Desert

Things are calming down here as our deployment period comes to an end. The surgeries are in full swing and the hospital wards are full. Since Tracey and the girls are not here, I have moved down to Deck 4. In this cabin, I have learned about the thin walls we have heard so much about. Our family cabin is between a fire wall and a classroom so we don’t have that issue as much. In this sense, I am thankful for the paper thin ceilings. This cabin is one floor above the hospital so I can hear the praise songs that are sung down there in the evening. It reminds me greatly of my time in Sudan, when I would wake up to the sounds of the children singing praise songs. That gave me strength to start the day. The sounds down in the hospital give me strength to end the day. It’s been a crazy 8 weeks requiring lots of hours of work for me here and hearing that in the evening and on weekends is quite the blessing. It’s like rain at the end of a long hot day.

Speaking of a long hot day, in an earlier post, I mentioned the desert time I felt during our first year of service with Mercy Ships. I kind of felt that even before we left for the ship. We had a “silent retreat” with God as part of our time in Texas and even on that day I spent most of the time looking up people who had spent time in the wilderness (Elijah, John the Baptist, etc.)

In that earlier post I talked about some of the struggles Tracey and I had. These struggles further distanced me from God instead of drawing me to Him. I also felt distance from others on the ship as well due to barriers I put up. In the position of leadership I have, I didn’t want to look weak or silly or whatever, so I rarely if ever shared these things with anyone. I wasn’t sure what people would think of me and I didn’t want people to know all I was experiencing. It did draw me closer to Trace. She was my rock through the hard times and the frustrations. And I shared everything with her and I mean everything.

Then of course, God knows what we need.  As many of you know, late in the field service we found out we were pregnant with our third child. We were quite surprised. That wasn’t part of the plan. And before you ask. Yes we know how it works.

After much questioning and talking and praying, we both knew that I was to go back to the ship for this extended time. It was what we were being asked to do. That meant I was going to end up here without Tracey and without my girls. I was going to have to turn to God to help me through this phase. I knew that was part of this season in our life. I was also going to need to lean on those around me here much more than I did the year before. And I was going to do that in a weakened state, a state where I am struggling and sad because my rock isn’t here with me.

God essentially was removing all the things I turned to so that I would have to come to Him. Last year, I set aside time very little time for meaningful prayer and Bible study. It was hard to study scripture and for a while I just didn’t. I did read books about how to find God in times like this, but the problem was I wasn’t actually trying. I would read these things and then continue to wonder why God was so distant. He was distant because I wasn’t looking for him. The times that I did study, like getting ready to speak in a community meeting or preparing for a devotion when my time came around I would start to feel more of his presence. But then the doubts would set in or complacency or something and I would lose that. I prayed with Tracey during our family nights, but that was really my only regular prayer time. But I would talk to Trace. And talk and talk. Well really complain and moan and well you get the picture. She was there and listened to my struggles. She encouraged me and really tried to get me to search God out in Scripture and prayer. But it was just easier to go to Trace. Again I just felt distant and was essentially expecting God to come and find me.

Then the news came about the baby and that I was going to come back here by myself. God was removing things so I could see Him. He was always there. I knew that but just couldn’t get to that place of believing it. Here is how I came to believe it.

I only get to talk to Tracey for about an hour or so each day and I just don’t want to take that precious time with complaining about this or that. So in general, I just complain less. My favorite verse is Philippians 2:14-15 which says, 

“Do everything without complaining or arguing so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God in a crooked and depraved generation in which you shine like stars in the universe.” 

I am not sure how I missed that verse when I was struggling. I will be sure to remember to complain less to Trace even when we are together again. Why wouldn’t I want to value that time with her in person as much as the time I get to spend with her on the phone. I have also enjoyed my work more despite working harder and longer and with some of the same struggles I had last year. Amazing how life doesn’t feel as dry when I am not whining about this or that.

And since being back here, my scripture reading has been regular and prayer time has been good. There has been some hard stuff going on to start the field service, but I couldn’t just run upstairs and talk to Trace about it. So, I would turn to God and pray and just ask “what would you have me do”. It’s becoming a habit as I hoped it would last year. I have read Ezra and Nehemiah which show how some really great things can be built when people come together.

I have opened up more to the community around me here as well. People here have really looked after me. Getting me out for hikes or some beach volleyball, letting me borrow their ipads so I could skype with Tracey and put up with times when I am short and a little angry. They know it’s hard for me and have really encouraged me often. The desert feeling fades away when you let people into your life.

So I think the desert end has been reached. It feels really good. I feel closer to God and have learned a bunch. God was there all the time asking, begging for me to turn to Him but I tried everything else. He stripped it all away so that I could see only Him. And now that I have stepped out of that, I have more life, more joy in my job, more community, a third child on the way and more positive communication in my marriage. So now after all that dryness, life feels fresh and new and better than when the desert time started.

I don’t think I want to go back to that. So in the future when doubts and distance push their way in, I hope to look back on this year and remember that God is always there. The desert experience is very real, and I am certainly not the first or last person to go through it. It’s probably not even the last time I will go through it. But God teaches us even in those times. Teaches us that He is still there, even when we believe that He is not.